I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
