My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
