I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
