there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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