haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I want a musical about memes.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
