I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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