True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The best revenge is premature balding
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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