Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
