he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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