Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize