you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
