I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
