she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
