I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
what the fuck happened to the tacos
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
