Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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