In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
