seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
