They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
