So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
