My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
