I think my fart just growled at me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
