Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
