he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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