Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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