You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
