Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
