Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
