Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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