i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize