I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It's official drugs can't kill me
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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