dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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