I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize