I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
