Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize