Will you blow on my dice?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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