well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
