my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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