My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
