I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
