I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
