I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
