I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize
