i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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