i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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