I would go down on you faster than GM stock
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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