sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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