Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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