I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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