I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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