I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
