my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
