you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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