Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
