Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
