Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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