Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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