party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
